09.30.11

50/50. shed a little too many tears today.

happy birthday to the love of my life.

TOMORROW:

Yoga/run. Depending on how my legs are doing.

vegan pancake breakfast.

lets see you own this shiz.

bidding

my chemical romance.

insight

her lips quivered at the mess she made, of herself and of her life. her eyes moved down towards the toilet to see the splatter of pastel colours. the different textures, the different colours that filled the bowl. and her eyes, swollen. her lips appeared as though she had been sucking on a pop too long and the perimeter of her lips seemed to have expanded. inflamed, her entire face appeared inflamed - like her life.

by the way - whose idea was that? Chocowave Shockwave? Snowballimus? let us all take a moment to remember the IQ points lost during the creation of these treats. you did not go down in vain.

worry.

My thoughts of tomorrow motivate me to occupy my every waking moment with worry.

What tomorrow holds frightens my actions today.

What life holds I do not know.

I can only fill my heart with hope that it is better than my today.

Today determines tomorrow.

How can today be a better day when it is filled with thoughts of tomorrow?

This Week's Plan

You guys don't know it. but I'm a fitness freak.
Makes sense.. considering what you do know.
I'll use this as a journal to keep track of my schedule.

mon: 30min stairs, 20min run, 20min strength
tues: 10min jog, 20min HIIT (level5-8.6), 10min cool down
wed: break
thurs: (morning workout) 15min jog, 20min HIIT, 10min cool down
fri: 30min run, 20min stairs
sat: long run. TBD

let's see. the temptations of bulimia tug at the back of my throat.
but the excess at the back of my arm taunt me.

breakfast.

pancakes on the weekend. I can enjoy life. right?

recipe for vegan pancakes. they weren't fluffy.

but they were damn tasty.

1/2c white whole wheat flour

1/2c unsweetened vanilla almond milk

dash of salt

1tsp cinnamon

1tsp baking powder

1/2 pureed banana*

1tsp veg oil

mix dry and wet separately.

heat your griddle/pan

cook. flip*

serve.

makes 3-4 four inch pancakes.

*pureed banana can be substituted with pumpkin. season accordingly

*flip when the bubbles form around the pancake

bubbles should be half a cm in and completely encase the pancake.

^ that's important so it has a nice crisp.

img 2: overnight vegan oats. weekday breakfast.

the one thing i look forward to.

Puddin.

my chemical romance - nanana

i spend half of my time in my gym clothes. sorry. wish i could take more outfit pictures. i've been not so proud of my outfits recently - thanks school.

hey hallelujah

cant find camera

breakfast.

i stare at this with swollen eyes.

lost in the sea. or in yourself

angels and airwaves - start the machine

Madness

thrice is a crime.

these boundaries.

blink 182 - asthenia

munch munch

life of food.

holly golightly

Audrey Hepburn (1929-1993)

an inspiration.

Gradients

The Graveyard Near The House - The Airborne Toxic Event

Can you picture that?

II

Cardigan: Free People

Shirt: DIY thrifted shirt (Savers)
Skirt: BDG (rolled up)

Belt: Metropark

Socks: Nordstrom

Remember that feeling when you're super excited?

Your heart fills and is filled with anticipation.

..Excitement

your little heart is just so overwhelmed with joy....

not me.

not now.

I know the overwhelming feeling of stress.

anxiety.

dread.

now that's familiar.

there has been a new obsession on my mind: portugal the man

I find myself wanting to consume myself in activities and opportunities I wouldn't otherwise indulge myself in. Because I'm occupied.

And I'm completely engulfed. Drowned. Dying. in the work that I strive to succeed in.

I will be successful.

I won't end my career here.

The sweet sense of freedom.

The sweet sense of success.

The taste of pride.

Will humble me.

give yourself a break. and let your ears indulge now.

Let your mind.

live

free

burnt

beauty is as deep as the toilet.

must we really measure that?

wicked wicked.

stress has me at my throat.

i feel the air draining from my lungs.

my head.

my heart.

my limbs.

let me take your hand.

what has the world got to offer you.

the lady in my life - michael jackson

sun down

sun down now we have built our place. an aviary forever.

- "olympic airways - foals"

temptation pulls at the strings of my heart as my hand reaches. grabs. touches. releases. pulls back. reasoning has saved me. reasoning is my salvation. that will cause me to lash out irrationally. the war with bulimia can never be won. battles may belong to you, but bulimia lives in your brain. forever. and always. the sadness lurks in your brain. always. the shadow is always cast over you, you and your face. you and your heart. you will always be conquered by bulimia. and your sense can only beat it, at its time of weakness.

you will never reach the salvation that will save you. you will only taste the salvation that teases you.

you and your senses.

bitter.

the bitter taste of acid lurks at the back of your throat.

tingling.

biting at your tongue.

bulimia sings in your head, and all you can do is push it. push it back for now.

keep it back there for a minute.

however, it will come back.

bulimia never leaves you alone. you're never alone. bulimia will always be there for you.

you'll never be good enough.

good enough to fight this off.

good enough to fend this off.

it will always haunt you.

go ahead, starve yourself for now, who are you fooling?

bulimia is your identity. you can never beat that.

your wicked ways

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWdUuVQqA6c

fleet foxes - oliver james

Never Thought

the cure - close to me

such sweetness and nostalgia. can you ever get sick of this man.

its rhetorical. notice: lack of question mark.

what talent.

watch - as i disappear right before your eyes

circa survive - travel hymn

two hundred degrees

terribly hot today at school.

quality and content lackage.

shoes: Rose Bowl Flea

Tiger Mountain

Fleet Foxes - Tiger Mountain Peasant Song

shuffle

work/school week started. insanity has begun.

classes. clubs. meetings.homework. gym.

absence of mind.

Cassius

Foals - Cassius

labor day

source of life. source of inspiration.

studies. ezekial granola. 0%plain yogurt. overcast

you can be super, too.

Frightened Rabbit - Swim Until You Can't See Land

Ashore

You don't realize how much you rely on the sun, until you switch that first light on to guide you. I only wish the presence of my friends can fill the sore left by my famiy

.

please excuse the messy post. working on formatting. advice appreciated.

shirt: daddy's closet

pants: cotton on

shoes: savers

awolnation - sail