Why Do You Do This?

Last week, I confided to a close friend of mine. I was getting tired of the resources I had and I needed new ones. I needed a more potent help. So I confided to a close friend of mine. He asked me an interesting and direct question that no one has ever asked me before... 'Why do you do this?'

I thought to myself, and thoughts raced through my head. I didn't even know why this happened. How this happened. When this first began...

Why do I do this?

I suppose now, I will begin collecting my thoughts that can explain why I do this, why I did this, why I think like this...

REASON #1:

I never feel like I'm good enough. I'm always comparing myself with someone else. Always trying to better myself. perfectionist?

a local band: Young the Giant - Cough Syrup

ventilation much needed.

Yesterday I woke up, dreading the day to come.

I felt no spark, no fire burning inside of me to start my day.

I did not feel compelled to get dressed.

I did not feel compelled to get in my car.

I did not feel compelled to take notes in class.

I did not feel compelled to go to my support group.

...have I really sunk this far in life?

Is the reality of my every day being?

Is this what I have made of my life?

apparently..

As much as I'd like to say that 'I love life!' and mean it...

I dread it.

I dread every part of everything.

Why do I stand here today?

Why am I typing this.. for you all to read?

Because you are the only people who won't judge me.

You are the only people who I do not fear to tell the truth..

This eating disorder is inhibiting me from achieving my full potential.

This eating disorder is preventing me from enjoying the life that I see everyone else loving.

I hate watching others in envy of their smiles and giggles.

I just hope they can't see the dark looming clouds...

my thoughts are scattered

Never Have I Ever

I did not understand the concept of motivation until my later years in high school, and accordingly, I did not experience the sense of accomplishment until much later in my life. (far too much later) Anyways.... Have you ever felt like there's something holding you back? Do you see your potential, but it is far too distant to reach?

I see it. So many inhibitions preventing me from reaching it. I can see it, I know it is there. But I can't quite hit that final note. It hurts so much. It is so frustrating.

Sometimes I just feel hopeless, like there is nothing out there that can help me. No one out there that can understand me.

No one out there that can just listen, and make me feel important.

I feel so isolated.

I don't feel motivated to get out of bed. The only motivation I have is getting out of here. That is not quite enough.

There is no passion burning deeply in the root of my heart. There is nothing here for me. There is nothing worth being here for.

I always feel displaced, out of place. This is not my path, this is not the way of life that I want to live.

This was an ugly post.

Until next time...

Elton John - Your Song

Me Vs. The Pavement II

6 days later, I decided to challenge the pavement again. 6.41 mi in 1hr 2min. Looking to beat my time on a weekly basis. This morning it was 6:45am run, which was really great. Afterwards, I went shopping with my sister, aka the most amazing sister in the world.

Then I went to get supplies for vegan chocolate cupcakes for the next weekend, will include pictures later.

My day today...

6:45 - wake up get out of the house by 6:52

7:54 - back home with the dog.

9:22 - left to pick up my sister (after I enjoyed a green monster w/mango and strawberries)

10:22 - went shopping with the sister

12:44 - lunch with my sister. Ahi tuna tartare and veggie burger we shared.

3:44 - home for a snack. 1 half papaya and 1 half stuffed papaya with greek yogurt and granola

4:12 - caught up with the boyfriend and friend.

6:00 - home to rest

6:22 - dinner with the parents, sushi.

8:00 - semisweet chocolate fondue with the boyfriend.

11:37 - bed time, abdominal workout and physical therapy sesh.

saturday night relaxation. can't wait for tomorrow morning - waffles.

will include pictures.

until then, I will enjoy my white mint and lime tea and oatmeal cookie candle. yay.

thinking about signing up for the turkey trot. 10k probably!

sought help.

no one can do it alone, not even you.

plus.... every time i purge, my chest feels the repercussions.

can you?

i just have one problem... as always...

i can't stick with it.

it's hard for me to stick with anything... right?

contemplating my dedication to things makes me contemplate my thinking.

considering my sanity. is this what a crazy person is like?

is this passion?

is my heart a wild one?

am i misplaced?

do i belong here?

so many questions.

all so cliche.

all so true.

makes you understand what a cliche really is...