Future Generations

You know.. It's frightening thinking that your child might have an eating disorder like you did... Save your child. Grow. Mature.

Don't succumb to the pressures of eating disorders like I did. You're better than that.

I'm better than that

More on that later....

It's Sorta Funny

Binge. Binge. Binge.
Learn. Learn. Learn.

It's funny, I never looked at my binges in a positive light, but hey - who would?

I was reading a blog post, and the blogger looked at her binge as a learning experience and she forgived herself for it. At the moment, I was pretty satisfied and envious that she could do so and I tried to employ that same concept onto my life. I mean that's why people blog right? To voice their opinions for others to learn?
You post recipes and workouts so others could read and try to utilize that back onto their own life. Right?

You post reviews about electronic gadgets so others could learn from that, and buy (or not buy) a product.

I suppose it should not be so simply put, but the general idea is in the books.

Anyways... I tried to forgive myself.. but I didn't learn. I would just do that again - or is that just exclusive to me? Until I started blogging, I never realized how apprehensive I sound, always questioning myself, everything. I find that so true to me... Silent questioning in all of its glory.

Anyways.. back to the topic, that being looking at binges positively.

I suppose this all reflects back onto how you learn. Do you learn in a positive or negative environment? Do you learn from a positive incentive? Or is it more effective to condemn a concept or activity in order for you to NOT complete the action?

I know that if I were to offer my dog an edible treat is a compelling reason enough for him to complete an action. However, if you were to strongly condemn an action or activity, it would not become more intriguing to me, but it would be more voodoo. But let's say you're a man, and you're slightly mysterious... Now that has got my ovaries pumping (or uterine contracting.. graphic, no?) I will stop now.

ONE MORE. In the same context as uterine contraction...

Michael Buble - Grown Up Christmas List

I'm sure you all agree.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Get your Read On and check out what the best quick cooking oatmeal is...

Bingeing

Today was one of those days when I just want to eat ate everything.

Consumed 600cal alone on the Lara Bars I made with Chocolate Covered Katie's recipe. Although vegan, dates are super high in calories. (its about 200cal per bar)

I know people say it's not good (esp for a recovering bulimic) to count calories, but I can't help it. It's who I am, it's what makes me, me. I'm concerned about health, yes. I'm concerned about the way I look, hell yes. I'm concerned about the way I think, oh yeah.
I lost my train of thought - per usual.

I think if you lose count of the calories you consume, you will find yourself at 300lbs and losing your mind. I don't think it's okay for someone to just stop counting their calories. I don't think it's okay if someone just loses awareness of what they eat. People need to control something. Control what you eat. Control what goes into your mouth. If you lose control, then what do you have in control? Today, I lost control. I don't know why. It was probably because I was thinking to myself 'I'll start a seven day slim down tomorrow' (re:tone it up) these health oriented sites probably hate the plugs I'm giving them. I'm not sure what's going on my head - per usual... again...

Smashing Pumpkins - Bullet with Butterfly Wings

My thoughts are so scattered.

Wanna see a binge?

Today I ate...

1 batch of pancakes (5 silver-dollar cakes)

Quarter of my Chickpea Blondie Recipe

3 Lara Bar Servings 600cal

1 bowl of Vegan Vegetable Soup

Half a bread pudding slice (shared with my mom)

all of that before dinner.

How does one go about stopping a binge?

I wish I knew.

I like to take little breaks between my day to read interesting news articles that pop up on AOL or Yahoo.

Get your read on.

Decided against actually studying for a sociology test. A simple task I could have completed throughout the week. Way to go.

Finally, didn't go to my support group today.

Scattered

I'm constantly losing my train of thought. It is as though the road I am traveling on is latent with fog. And if I attempt to turn to retrace my step, the sight is buried.

These beautiful images constantly haunt me as what I can never be. Who I can never be.

Forever I feel as though I am a shadow of what I can never come close to. The shadow you laugh at. I just want to be self-satisfied. I want to feel the confidence that carries everyone else, carefree.

Life is full of white hair. It is as though the silver strands strap me down to the burden that I wish to never be.

Constantly battling myself.

Tokyo Police Club - Juno

Why Do You Do This?

Last week, I confided to a close friend of mine. I was getting tired of the resources I had and I needed new ones. I needed a more potent help. So I confided to a close friend of mine. He asked me an interesting and direct question that no one has ever asked me before... 'Why do you do this?'

I thought to myself, and thoughts raced through my head. I didn't even know why this happened. How this happened. When this first began...

Why do I do this?

I suppose now, I will begin collecting my thoughts that can explain why I do this, why I did this, why I think like this...

REASON #1:

I never feel like I'm good enough. I'm always comparing myself with someone else. Always trying to better myself. perfectionist?

a local band: Young the Giant - Cough Syrup

ventilation much needed.

Yesterday I woke up, dreading the day to come.

I felt no spark, no fire burning inside of me to start my day.

I did not feel compelled to get dressed.

I did not feel compelled to get in my car.

I did not feel compelled to take notes in class.

I did not feel compelled to go to my support group.

...have I really sunk this far in life?

Is the reality of my every day being?

Is this what I have made of my life?

apparently..

As much as I'd like to say that 'I love life!' and mean it...

I dread it.

I dread every part of everything.

Why do I stand here today?

Why am I typing this.. for you all to read?

Because you are the only people who won't judge me.

You are the only people who I do not fear to tell the truth..

This eating disorder is inhibiting me from achieving my full potential.

This eating disorder is preventing me from enjoying the life that I see everyone else loving.

I hate watching others in envy of their smiles and giggles.

I just hope they can't see the dark looming clouds...

my thoughts are scattered

Never Have I Ever

I did not understand the concept of motivation until my later years in high school, and accordingly, I did not experience the sense of accomplishment until much later in my life. (far too much later) Anyways.... Have you ever felt like there's something holding you back? Do you see your potential, but it is far too distant to reach?

I see it. So many inhibitions preventing me from reaching it. I can see it, I know it is there. But I can't quite hit that final note. It hurts so much. It is so frustrating.

Sometimes I just feel hopeless, like there is nothing out there that can help me. No one out there that can understand me.

No one out there that can just listen, and make me feel important.

I feel so isolated.

I don't feel motivated to get out of bed. The only motivation I have is getting out of here. That is not quite enough.

There is no passion burning deeply in the root of my heart. There is nothing here for me. There is nothing worth being here for.

I always feel displaced, out of place. This is not my path, this is not the way of life that I want to live.

This was an ugly post.

Until next time...

Elton John - Your Song

sought help.

no one can do it alone, not even you.

plus.... every time i purge, my chest feels the repercussions.

can you?

i just have one problem... as always...

i can't stick with it.

it's hard for me to stick with anything... right?

contemplating my dedication to things makes me contemplate my thinking.

considering my sanity. is this what a crazy person is like?

is this passion?

is my heart a wild one?

am i misplaced?

do i belong here?

so many questions.

all so cliche.

all so true.

makes you understand what a cliche really is...

insight

her lips quivered at the mess she made, of herself and of her life. her eyes moved down towards the toilet to see the splatter of pastel colours. the different textures, the different colours that filled the bowl. and her eyes, swollen. her lips appeared as though she had been sucking on a pop too long and the perimeter of her lips seemed to have expanded. inflamed, her entire face appeared inflamed - like her life.

by the way - whose idea was that? Chocowave Shockwave? Snowballimus? let us all take a moment to remember the IQ points lost during the creation of these treats. you did not go down in vain.