Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Deja Vu

I had a serious case of Deja Vu yesterday.. and I was theorizing what it may be.. in nerd sense. So I was thinking... Deja Vu may be a sudden change in body during time.. does that make sense?

Imagine a world with infinite parallel universes, and in that world, at any given moment, a parallel universe version of you can switch with another parallel version of you. I suppose that can explain alter egos, or different versions/moods of yourself. You subconsciously switch between personas in different parallel universes as a survival mechanism. So, you experience Deja Vu because you are switching between a persona who has already seen what you have seen. This can also explain Bi Polar disorder.
Bi Polar disorder can be explained as an individual who spontaneously interchange between parallel universe personas. They have a lack of control over their subconscious which can be expressed in a number of spontaneous personas - which can explain erratic behavior. Ultimately, the absence of control over their subconscious can result in an absence of mores.

Just a theory... Implausible theory that I wanted to share...

Monday, November 21, 2011

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Dilemma

I was a really bad daughter today. My family spent all day in SD for my brother's soccer obligations. So, per usual, I spent the day without them. However, when I got home from yoga, I was unusually resentful towards my father. That makes sense in my head, however, the morality of the action does not render. Of course, I feel as though it is partially deserving, however, the immense guilt laced in the action does not make it worth it.
I blew up on my boyfriend the other day, from the unreasonable anger bottled up against my brother. I have managed to train myself to bottle up my anger against him, and let it go on my boyfriend or myself. It's horrible. I should 'forgive' but I feel as though he has caused so much terror in my life, why should I forgive? It's the same as bottling it up... It's gonna kill me.
I'm so trapped in this situation.
I can't say no to my brother's criticisms, my parents don't see the wrong, and I know they're just exhausted from his relentless arguments. There's no way of fighting him. There's no way of fighting this. There's no way of getting out of this situation. I'm like in war....
My time in war is up, but I'm apprehensive to leave because my comrades, my parents, still have time here. I don't want to lose my comrades in this battle. They need me.
I wish I had answers. I wish I wasn't in this situation.
I love my parents so much, it's so difficult to see them dealing with all of this. But my greatest concern in them, is their health. I fear so greatly over their state of being. But who am I to tell them what to do?
I feel so oppressed.
So submissive.

The Fray - Say When

Occupy


Unrelated to eating disorders and food... If my job required that I preform unethical practices such as this... (as a police officer) I would not be able to sleep at night....
How do they feel? They're fighting for their money. For your future. For their right to an education. You were given that liberty, why can't they have the same? They're trying to keep the future lit for you, and you're spraying them with pepper spray?
How will you feel tomorrow, when your future all of a sudden goes dim?
Education is our future. It is what keeps our heads up today.
Listen to their stories. Listen to their sad stories. Understand why they're doing this.
Understand that they're doing this for themselves. They're being oppressed. Your future is being oppressed.....

I confess I already paid tuition for spring 2012, but that doesn't mean I don't want to fight for my education.
Occupy

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Coping With Injury

So over the past few weeks, I have been learning to cope with my dancer's hip, as you may or may not have read about here. Coping methods...
I've been swimming, doing hot vinyasa yoga, cycling and a few insanity videos here and there. I've been trying to watch what I eat, without limiting myself too much - less activity = less calories. I've been feeling a little more positive, actually. I wrote a post a little while ago about changing your mind set, and how you look at things. Quite honestly, I never thought that would be me - changing the way I think. I always thought that was a load of crap to make people feel better.. But maybe it wasn't... I don't believe I have been any more stressed, however, I don't want to draw any conclusions too soon. That tends to be quite a pattern in my book.
Speaking of stress....
I just found this article on Reddit.. Let's break it down....
So basically this article is saying that there is some sort of correlation between a woman's mental state and eating state. The correlation doesn't look good either. For you women who work hard, apparently you play hard as well. The study showed that women who were given a food incentive (access to a buffet) and a deadline, were more likely to eat 230cal more than those women who patiently waited (same amount of time - 45min) for their food. So what does that say?
I drew the conclusion that stress makes you fat. It's quite true in terms of the hormones released and inhibited when an individual is fat - hormones dictate where fat goes etc. But stress also causes stress eating. Self explanatory, yes? You eat when you are stressed.
But I found that this article contradicted another article. I know that the two articles are not exactly the same idea, but the conclusion I drew was contradictory.
The second article stated that women who are in high stress positions, such as executive and CEO positions have a tendency to develop restrictive eating disorders. Their reasoning behind that was that women need to feel control and they exert those feelings on their eating habits.
However at the end of the day, eating habits (obviously) differ from one individual to another.
And you may even find the same eating habits (and stress relief), that may contradict each other, in the same individual.

What do you guys think? Do you restrict yourself more? or do you tend to overeat?
Personally, I'm a combination of both. Currently, I'm overeating....

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Future Generations

You know.. It's frightening thinking that your child might have an eating disorder like you did... Save your child. Grow. Mature.

Don't succumb to the pressures of eating disorders like I did. You're better than that.

I'm better than that

More on that later....

Breakfast: Pancakes - Healthy


I like love breakfast. I actually love it even more when it's vegan. I love weekend vegan breakfasts the most.
Chillin in my jammies in the kitchen.... Anyways... This post is about pancakes.
Pancakes are like a blank canvas. You can make them banana pancakes (if you clicked that link, you should've seen that I've made banana pancakes before) or you can make them chocolate chip oat pancakes. You understand that they're so easy to change up. KERF made them healthy too, in her fiesta jacks.

You can also make them really healthy in a number of ways.
  1. Adding some Rolled Oats in it.
    - oats can add texture and more complex carbs to keep you fuller, longer. However if you don't like the texture of oats, I can suggest maybe soaking the oats in the almond milk and add it as a wet ingredients.
    ex) recipe calls for 1c Almond Milk and 1/4c Oats. Soak the Oats in the Almond Milk THEN add it with the rest of the wet ingredients (like apple sauce, eggs etc)

  2. Adding Apple Sauce, Pumpkin Puree or Pureed/mashed bananas keeps your WW pancakes moist.
    - Normally, WW pancakes can be hearty and too savory, but adding the applesauce, nanner or pumpkin will prevent it from tasting too hearty. Of course, it adds flavor....
    - Adding the above ingredients can also eliminate adding any sort of oil to your batter.
    - The above ingredients can also sub any sweetener.

  3. Water can be subbed for almond milk (cutting anywhere from 20-40cal, depending on serving size)

  4. I highly advise using Whole Wheat Flour.
    - If WW is too much for you, then I advise White Whole Wheat flour, it can ease you into the transition, and quite frankly, I have a difficult time noticing the difference between WW and White flour in my cooking.- Accordingly, other flours can be subbed (ex. spelt)

  5. You can add Protein Powder (Flavor of your choice) if you add more liquid to loosen the batter up accordingly.

Lucky for you guys, there is no evil Pancake Dictator to tell you what to do. So I hope you employ one or all of the tips up there, and live like you mean it.

Shenanigans




Weekend shenanigans are mostly composed of breakfast. For me... I look forward to my weekend breakfasts, much. My weeks go by so quickly now, school is fast paced.
About two months ago, my doctor diagnosed me with snapping hip syndrome, or Dancer's Hip. In lamen's terms, it can be best described as a sharp joint pain that can radiate down your affected leg down to your ankle. After activity, it can hurt for days; and if not treated, can hurt for weeks and months.
In short, my hip hurts like a mofo, it feels like someone is stabbing (and sometimes dragging) a knife in my hip. Of course, like all my other injuries, I ignored the diagnosis and kept running and just stretched a little. I love running, and I sure do miss it terribly. I just stopped running two weeks ago (a month and a half after the diagnosis) and with the extra time on my hands, I've been stretching, gaining weight, and taking up a little yoga and cycling.
I've toned down the activity significantly, and it's been... not so great. But as of yesterday, I've been trying to focus on being more positive, and trying not to be too concerned about my physical appearance, but in contrast, focusing on how I feel.
What a change right? This is a huge leap and change, it's a cliche idea, but I understand why so many have employed it.
I tried to enjoy my weekend, but I feel like my metabolism has kept trekking, while my activity has retarded. But onward to Vegan Pancakes.

**This recipe can be stripped of its chocolate chip specifics, and can be seen as a blank canvas for future variations. Here are a few tips on pancakes.

Vegan Chocolate Chip Pancakes
makes 5 silver dollar pancakes
1/4C Rolled Oats
2 tbsp WW Flour
1/2 scoop Vanilla Protein Powder (I used Soy Protein)
1 Tbsp Baking Powder
1/8 tsp Salt
2 Tbsp Applesauce (SF) *
1/8 C Vanilla Almond Milk
1 tsp Vanilla
Dash of Cinnamon
1tsp Chocolate Chips (or 3 chocolate chips per pancake)

Mix together the dry ingredients (Rolled Oats, WW Flour, Protein Powder, Baking Powder, Cinnamon, Salt) Make sure the oats don't sink to the bottom, and ensure that everything is well mixed. Then put in the apple sauce and Almond Milk and mix well. Don't over mix please. Just mix until incorporated then ladle into a hot and oiled pan. (don't drown them in a pool of oil please.) Cook until you see lovely bubbles around the side of the pancakes. Flip them when you see the bubbles, if you miss them when they first appear, no worries, more bubbles will form. You don't have to cook them as long on the other side. Just press on the pancake when you think it's done, (please press on the cooked side) it should bounce back immediately, and not squish down.
Serve with SF Maple Syrup and a bit of Agave



Gin Wigmore - These Roses

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Pretty in Pink

John Hughes what magic went on in your pretty little brain. Your films have brought much peace to my days. The senseless drama and slight sexual scenes.
John Cryer captivates my heart in this scene... And I love Molly Ringwald in this scene.
But my all time favorite is...

Danny Hutton Hitters - Wouldn't It Be Good

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

It's Sorta Funny

Binge. Binge. Binge.
Learn. Learn. Learn.

It's funny, I never looked at my binges in a positive light, but hey - who would?
I was reading a blog post, and the blogger looked at her binge as a learning experience and she forgived herself for it. At the moment, I was pretty satisfied and envious that she could do so and I tried to employ that same concept onto my life. I mean that's why people blog right? To voice their opinions for others to learn?
You post recipes and workouts so others could read and try to utilize that back onto their own life. Right?
You post reviews about electronic gadgets so others could learn from that, and buy (or not buy) a product.
I suppose it should not be so simply put, but the general idea is in the books.
Anyways... I tried to forgive myself.. but I didn't learn. I would just do that again - or is that just exclusive to me? Until I started blogging, I never realized how apprehensive I sound, always questioning myself, everything. I find that so true to me... Silent questioning in all of its glory.

Anyways.. back to the topic, that being looking at binges positively.
I suppose this all reflects back onto how you learn. Do you learn in a positive or negative environment? Do you learn from a positive incentive? Or is it more effective to condemn a concept or activity in order for you to NOT complete the action?

I know that if I were to offer my dog an edible treat is a compelling reason enough for him to complete an action. However, if you were to strongly condemn an action or activity, it would not become more intriguing to me, but it would be more voodoo. But let's say you're a man, and you're slightly mysterious... Now that has got my ovaries pumping (or uterine contracting.. graphic, no?) I will stop now.

ONE MORE. In the same context as uterine contraction...
Michael Buble - Grown Up Christmas List

I'm sure you all agree.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Get your Read On and check out what the best quick cooking oatmeal is...

Monday, October 31, 2011

Cold Heart

Your cold heart and feet can be warmed with this warm meal adapted from Eating Bird Food's page.



Chickpea Curry Recipe

1c water

1 box mini heirloom tomatoes (half a TJ Box)

2 tsp curry powder

1 tsp cumin

1 tsp cinnamon

Salt&Pepper

1 can Chickpeas

1 head Cauliflower

¼ onion diced

Butternut Squash (I used about a bag from TJ's)

Preheat your oven to 400F. Prepare a cookie sheet with seasoned butternut squash, onion and cauliflower. Stick the vegetables in the oven for 30min or until tender*.

While your vegs are cooking, bring 1cup of water to a boil with the heirloom tomatoes. Once your water and tomatoes are boiling, reduce it to a simmer(+).

Season the water and tomatoes liberally with salt and pepper. Rinse your chickpeas under water (RINSE THEM GOOD) and pat them dry. Toss them in the water (that should have been reduced) along with cinnamon, cumin and curry powder.

Are your vegs ready? Stick a fork in your butternut squash to make sure they're to your liking.

When your vegetables are ready, proceed with tossing them into your curry. And make sure they're all well incorporated (activate stirring). Toss them around nicely, then season again if needed.

Finally, you can serve now, or continue cooking together (it only gets better from here...unless your cauliflower gets mushy.) Just cook to your vegetable liking (i <3 texture)

Serve with...

  1. White/Brown Rice
  2. Ezekial Low Sodium Bread with Chutney/Jam (this is what I had)
  3. Quinoa (this is what I would've had)

*If you're like me, and you don't mind cooking everything together, I cook everything at once until the cauliflower gets tender, then I stick them in the pot together (regardless if the butternut squash is cooked). But if you'd prefer to get the roasty toasty taste, go ahead and roast the butternut squash first, for at least 20min then put the cauliflower in for another 10min then onions for another 5min, and everything should be cooked.

(+) Now would be the time for you to skin the tomatoes, they should peel nicely now.

(pictured here with tempeh, avocado and avocado smashed on an Ezekial toast)

Your meal is balanced, warm, and oozing with yums.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Capitalize

Do you think that they should capitalize on this beagle's adoption for the betterment of the other animals in the facility in which is being adopted from?
I think that they should hike up a fee/ request a donation for the adoption of this beagle to benefit the shelter for future animals. Shelters of all sorts could always use money to better their facility; it's much more settling to come to an animal shelter that's kept, unlike seeing dogs shiver in their concrete stalls.
Of course this may seem horribly corrupted..
But this is why I blog, instead of actually voicing my opinion.
I don't care for your opinions, they are not to my face. If you were to say what you think of me, to my face... We can call that a tipping point.

madina lake - house of cards

Friday, October 28, 2011

I Feel My Heart Pounding....

The Airborne Toxic Event - All I've Ever Wanted

I didn't plan on posting today, but posting my recipes tomorrow. But I was so compelled to do so after listening to these lyrics - they hit home. I lie awake and pretend you can hear me... A sentence that illustrates a lonely dark scene. We could lie to each other like they do and say that we're so happy. It's easy when you're young and you want it so badly. How do you know that you're not blinded by your own wants and needs? How do you know that they don't cover up the truth that you're dying to know to live? Are you making mistakes?
Will you be here forever? Does it frighten you to know that you won't be?

The looming fear of knowing that you're constantly making mistakes, or the fortune of mistakes is all too realistic, haunts me daily. Of course I am able escape those ideas through exercising. Is that my fate?

The concept of fate and destiny do exist in my universe, however, the haunting fear that I may be ruining my fate and destiny sends me shaking.

I know that I am highly dependent on the presence of others'. I constantly seek the new to see if I'm missing out on activities; and I constantly seek out every other option, although the right one is below my nose. I am stuck on this one... The one I depend on for my life. But I'm not sure if it's the right one. How will I know? Is this a mistake? Did I already give up opportunities? I know that one, yes.


I hate the mistakes I make, they taunt me in the shadow that follows me. I can't escape the guilt that lines my mistakes.


I'll never be cured. I'll always be haunted. Chained by these shadows. When will this end?
I've learned my lesson. Stop torturing my conscience. You're killing me.
Sacrificing my sanity. Is there a limit to this? To my thoughts...

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Tonight Tonight

Time, Is never time at all
You can never ever leave
Without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change, the less you feel
Believe, Believe in me
Believe, That life can change
That you're not stuck in vain
We're not the same, we're different
Tonight, Tonight, So bright
Tonight, And you know you're never sure
But you're sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade
In your city by the lake
The place where you were born
Believe, Believe in me
Believe, In the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe there's not a chance tonight
Tonight, So bright
Tonight, We'll crucify the insincere tonight
We'll make things right
We'll feel it all tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night
Tonight, The indescribable moments of your life
Tonight, The impossible is possible
Tonight, Believe in me as I believe in you
Tonight.....

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Bingeing

Today was one of those days when I just want to eat ate everything.
Consumed 600cal alone on the Lara Bars I made with Chocolate Covered Katie's recipe. Although vegan, dates are super high in calories. (its about 200cal per bar)
I know people say it's not good (esp for a recovering bulimic) to count calories, but I can't help it. It's who I am, it's what makes me, me. I'm concerned about health, yes. I'm concerned about the way I look, hell yes. I'm concerned about the way I think, oh yeah.
I lost my train of thought - per usual.

I think if you lose count of the calories you consume, you will find yourself at 300lbs and losing your mind. I don't think it's okay for someone to just stop counting their calories. I don't think it's okay if someone just loses awareness of what they eat. People need to control something. Control what you eat. Control what goes into your mouth. If you lose control, then what do you have in control? Today, I lost control. I don't know why. It was probably because I was thinking to myself 'I'll start a seven day slim down tomorrow' (re:tone it up) these health oriented sites probably hate the plugs I'm giving them. I'm not sure what's going on my head - per usual... again...

Smashing Pumpkins - Bullet with Butterfly Wings

My thoughts are so scattered.

Wanna see a binge?
Today I ate...
1 batch of pancakes (5 silver-dollar cakes)
Quarter of my Chickpea Blondie Recipe
3 Lara Bar Servings 600cal
1 bowl of Vegan Vegetable Soup
Half a bread pudding slice (shared with my mom)

all of that before dinner.

How does one go about stopping a binge?
I wish I knew.
I like to take little breaks between my day to read interesting news articles that pop up on AOL or Yahoo.


Decided against actually studying for a sociology test. A simple task I could have completed throughout the week. Way to go.


Finally, didn't go to my support group today.

Claude Monet

Claude Monet. Absolute favorite artist of all time.
Fell in love with his work when I first began painting impressionist paintings.

This past week was filled with cooking. Somber. Confusion. Inexplicable sadness. The seemingly usual now. Am I right?Control, sanity and ideas thoughts... filled my brain. Time has sped by, of course a sweet benefit.

Tried my way with relaxation yesterday. Frightening. Not quite yet to be relieved. Time will tell what else will happen. What else I can do. I will post some recipes soon.

Elton John - Candle In The Wind
Seemingly appropriate.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Scattered

I'm constantly losing my train of thought. It is as though the road I am traveling on is latent with fog. And if I attempt to turn to retrace my step, the sight is buried.

These beautiful images constantly haunt me as what I can never be. Who I can never be.

Forever I feel as though I am a shadow of what I can never come close to. The shadow you laugh at. I just want to be self-satisfied. I want to feel the confidence that carries everyone else, carefree.

Life is full of white hair. It is as though the silver strands strap me down to the burden that I wish to never be.

Constantly battling myself.


Tokyo Police Club - Juno

Why Do You Do This?

Last week, I confided to a close friend of mine. I was getting tired of the resources I had and I needed new ones. I needed a more potent help. So I confided to a close friend of mine. He asked me an interesting and direct question that no one has ever asked me before... 'Why do you do this?'

I thought to myself, and thoughts raced through my head. I didn't even know why this happened. How this happened. When this first began...

Why do I do this?

I suppose now, I will begin collecting my thoughts that can explain why I do this, why I did this, why I think like this...


REASON #1:
I never feel like I'm good enough. I'm always comparing myself with someone else. Always trying to better myself. perfectionist?


a local band: Young the Giant - Cough Syrup

Thursday, October 13, 2011

ventilation much needed.

Yesterday I woke up, dreading the day to come.
I felt no spark, no fire burning inside of me to start my day.
I did not feel compelled to get dressed.
I did not feel compelled to get in my car.
I did not feel compelled to take notes in class.
I did not feel compelled to go to my support group.

...have I really sunk this far in life?
Is the reality of my every day being?
Is this what I have made of my life?
apparently..
As much as I'd like to say that 'I love life!' and mean it...
I dread it.
I dread every part of everything.
Why do I stand here today?
Why am I typing this.. for you all to read?
Because you are the only people who won't judge me.
You are the only people who I do not fear to tell the truth..


This eating disorder is inhibiting me from achieving my full potential.
This eating disorder is preventing me from enjoying the life that I see everyone else loving.

I hate watching others in envy of their smiles and giggles.
I just hope they can't see the dark looming clouds...


my thoughts are scattered

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Never Have I Ever

I did not understand the concept of motivation until my later years in high school, and accordingly, I did not experience the sense of accomplishment until much later in my life. (far too much later) Anyways.... Have you ever felt like there's something holding you back? Do you see your potential, but it is far too distant to reach?
I see it. So many inhibitions preventing me from reaching it. I can see it, I know it is there. But I can't quite hit that final note. It hurts so much. It is so frustrating.

Sometimes I just feel hopeless, like there is nothing out there that can help me. No one out there that can understand me.
No one out there that can just listen, and make me feel important.
I feel so isolated.
I don't feel motivated to get out of bed. The only motivation I have is getting out of here. That is not quite enough.
There is no passion burning deeply in the root of my heart. There is nothing here for me. There is nothing worth being here for.
I always feel displaced, out of place. This is not my path, this is not the way of life that I want to live.


This was an ugly post.
Until next time...

Elton John - Your Song

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Me Vs. The Pavement II

6 days later, I decided to challenge the pavement again. 6.41 mi in 1hr 2min. Looking to beat my time on a weekly basis. This morning it was 6:45am run, which was really great. Afterwards, I went shopping with my sister, aka the most amazing sister in the world.
Then I went to get supplies for vegan chocolate cupcakes for the next weekend, will include pictures later.
My day today...

6:45 - wake up get out of the house by 6:52
7:54 - back home with the dog.
9:22 - left to pick up my sister (after I enjoyed a green monster w/mango and strawberries)
10:22 - went shopping with the sister
12:44 - lunch with my sister. Ahi tuna tartare and veggie burger we shared.
3:44 - home for a snack. 1 half papaya and 1 half stuffed papaya with greek yogurt and granola
4:12 - caught up with the boyfriend and friend.
6:00 - home to rest
6:22 - dinner with the parents, sushi.
8:00 - semisweet chocolate fondue with the boyfriend.
11:37 - bed time, abdominal workout and physical therapy sesh.

saturday night relaxation. can't wait for tomorrow morning - waffles.
will include pictures.
until then, I will enjoy my white mint and lime tea and oatmeal cookie candle. yay.

thinking about signing up for the turkey trot. 10k probably!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

sought help.

no one can do it alone, not even you.
plus.... every time i purge, my chest feels the repercussions.
can you?

i just have one problem... as always...
i can't stick with it.
it's hard for me to stick with anything... right?

contemplating my dedication to things makes me contemplate my thinking.
considering my sanity. is this what a crazy person is like?
is this passion?
is my heart a wild one?
am i misplaced?
do i belong here?

so many questions.
all so cliche.
all so true.

makes you understand what a cliche really is...

Green Monster



2 Handfuls of Spinach (as much as you can jam into your blender)
3 Fresh Strawberries (sliced)
3 Slices of Frozen Bananas
1 Fresh Pineapple Spear
1/4 Cup of Water and Almond Milk
1.5 tsp Chia Seeds
1/2 Scoop of Vanilla Protein Powder

1. I blended up the first 5 ingredients first. I wanted to keep some sort of substance to my chia seeds.
2. I added the chia seeds and vanilla protein powder AFTER everything was smooth.
3. I enjoyed my green monster as a lunch (or a preface to my lunch) after HIIT

Thrice - Eleanor Rigby (The Beatles Cover)

as a treat: my favorite The Beatles song.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

He Deserves This...


Steve Jobs 1955-2011

He was a legend. His impact will forever touch all of our lives, daily.

He was an innovator in all fields.

He believed in things no one else believed in.

He believed in himself.

Take a moment out and thank Steve Jobs.

Recognize his life.

Acknowledge his way of living.

Acknowledge his way of thinking.

But realize that his way is not your way.

He just found his way.

It worked.

find your way.

and challenge life.

Rest in Peace, Steve Jobs.

You deserve this break after eons of pavement, paved.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

sometimes things are good raw


and unedited.
like emotions...but not really. sometimes things need to be edited. sometimes things need to be censored. you're not going to tell a stranger that your boyfriend just dumped you. you're not going to tell the cashier at Vons that you just lost your house to the bank. you're not going to tell your mailman that your sister died in a car accident.
or maybe if we were all that open... the seeds of trust will be planted. and the world will be covered in fields of beautiful, blooming trust.
elaborate.
beautiful.

or maybe no one should put anymore faith in humanity.
my blog seems to spike and plummet in mood. scattered

Monday, October 3, 2011


Today: 15min warm up, 30min stairs, arms, abs.
chaos wreaked at the homecoming.

breakfast: toast, scramble and papaya. tea.
lunch: protein shake, banana, almonds.
dinner: sole? fish. spinach.
dessert: ice cream x2.

Tomorrow:
Breakfast: Oatmeal protein pancake (will post recipe)
-HIIT running. woo.- and TJs
Lunch: Green Monster. (will post recipe)
Snack: Would be a good idea.
Dinner: Should be early.
Dessert: Will be served after my meeting. (7-9)


Sunday, October 2, 2011

Me Vs. The Pavement

no i didn't "kiss" the pavement as I went down. quite the contrary actually. my feet were angry... and tried for about an hour to beat the pavement to death. my legs help support it. and my core helped balance myself for the beating... the pavement won.
and my body felt the consequence.
today was my first "long run" it was a consecutive hour. of myself, my chemical romance and blink 182. of course the new album, neighborhoods and danger days.

breakfast: Pumpkin Waffles.
they were slightly crispy. soft. spiced. perfect start to October.
recipe:
makes 1 serving (3 little waffles)

1/4c White Whole Wheat Flour
1/4c unsweetened vanilla almond milk (TJ brand)
2tbs pumpkin puree
1 egg white
1tsp pumpkin pie spice (to taste)
1/4 tbs baking powder
1/2tsp vanilla extract
1tsp honey

mix dry. mix vanilla, milk, pumpkin puree. then mix wet and dry. beat egg white until forms stiff peaks, then fold into batter. should make 3 small waffles or 2 full size waffles.

serve with honey, maple syrup or agave nectar.

after (5mi) run smoothie.

5 frozen strawberries (unsweetened)
3 blackberries (unsweetened)
juice of 1 orange
1/4 scoop of protein powder
1/2 tsp chia seeds
stevia (to taste)

blend blend blend.
sip sip sip.
yum yum yum.

blink 182 - not now

Friday, September 30, 2011

09.30.11

50/50. shed a little too many tears today.
happy birthday to the love of my life.

TOMORROW:
Yoga/run. Depending on how my legs are doing.
vegan pancake breakfast.
lets see you own this shiz.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

bidding


my chemical romance.

insight


her lips quivered at the mess she made, of herself and of her life. her eyes moved down towards the toilet to see the splatter of pastel colours. the different textures, the different colours that filled the bowl. and her eyes, swollen. her lips appeared as though she had been sucking on a pop too long and the perimeter of her lips seemed to have expanded. inflamed, her entire face appeared inflamed - like her life.

by the way - whose idea was that? Chocowave Shockwave? Snowballimus? let us all take a moment to remember the IQ points lost during the creation of these treats. you did not go down in vain.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

worry.

My thoughts of tomorrow motivate me to occupy my every waking moment with worry.
What tomorrow holds frightens my actions today.
What life holds I do not know.
I can only fill my heart with hope that it is better than my today.
Today determines tomorrow.
How can today be a better day when it is filled with thoughts of tomorrow?

This Week's Plan

You guys don't know it. but I'm a fitness freak.
Makes sense.. considering what you do know.
I'll use this as a journal to keep track of my schedule.

mon: 30min stairs, 20min run, 20min strength
tues: 10min jog, 20min HIIT (level5-8.6), 10min cool down
wed: break
thurs: (morning workout) 15min jog, 20min HIIT, 10min cool down
fri: 30min run, 20min stairs
sat: long run. TBD

let's see. the temptations of bulimia tug at the back of my throat.
but the excess at the back of my arm taunt me.

Monday, September 26, 2011

breakfast.




pancakes on the weekend. I can enjoy life. right?
recipe for vegan pancakes. they weren't fluffy.
but they were damn tasty.
1/2c white whole wheat flour
1/2c unsweetened vanilla almond milk
dash of salt
1tsp cinnamon
1tsp baking powder
1/2 pureed banana*
1tsp veg oil

mix dry and wet separately.
heat your griddle/pan
cook. flip*
serve.
makes 3-4 four inch pancakes.

*pureed banana can be substituted with pumpkin. season accordingly
*flip when the bubbles form around the pancake
bubbles should be half a cm in and completely encase the pancake.
^ that's important so it has a nice crisp.

img 2: overnight vegan oats. weekday breakfast.
the one thing i look forward to.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Puddin.


my chemical romance - nanana

i spend half of my time in my gym clothes. sorry. wish i could take more outfit pictures. i've been not so proud of my outfits recently - thanks school.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Saturday, September 17, 2011

II

Cardigan: Free People
Shirt: DIY thrifted shirt (Savers)
Skirt: BDG (rolled up)
Belt: Metropark
Socks: Nordstrom

Remember that feeling when you're super excited?
Your heart fills and is filled with anticipation.
..Excitement
your little heart is just so overwhelmed with joy....

not me.
not now.
I know the overwhelming feeling of stress.
anxiety.
dread.
now that's familiar.


there has been a new obsession on my mind: portugal the man
I find myself wanting to consume myself in activities and opportunities I wouldn't otherwise indulge myself in. Because I'm occupied.
And I'm completely engulfed. Drowned. Dying. in the work that I strive to succeed in.
I will be successful.
I won't end my career here.
The sweet sense of freedom.
The sweet sense of success.
The taste of pride.
Will humble me.

give yourself a break. and let your ears indulge now.
Let your mind.
live
free

Thursday, September 15, 2011

burnt



beauty is as deep as the toilet.


must we really measure that?

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

wicked wicked.



stress has me at my throat.
i feel the air draining from my lungs.
my head.
my heart.
my limbs.
let me take your hand.

Monday, September 12, 2011

what has the world got to offer you.

the lady in my life - michael jackson

sun down

sun down now we have built our place. an aviary forever.
- "olympic airways - foals"

temptation pulls at the strings of my heart as my hand reaches. grabs. touches. releases. pulls back. reasoning has saved me. reasoning is my salvation. that will cause me to lash out irrationally. the war with bulimia can never be won. battles may belong to you, but bulimia lives in your brain. forever. and always. the sadness lurks in your brain. always. the shadow is always cast over you, you and your face. you and your heart. you will always be conquered by bulimia. and your sense can only beat it, at its time of weakness.
you will never reach the salvation that will save you. you will only taste the salvation that teases you.
you and your senses.
bitter.
the bitter taste of acid lurks at the back of your throat.
tingling.
biting at your tongue.
bulimia sings in your head, and all you can do is push it. push it back for now.
keep it back there for a minute.
however, it will come back.
bulimia never leaves you alone. you're never alone. bulimia will always be there for you.
you'll never be good enough.
good enough to fight this off.
good enough to fend this off.
it will always haunt you.
go ahead, starve yourself for now, who are you fooling?
bulimia is your identity. you can never beat that.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Never Thought

the cure - close to me
such sweetness and nostalgia. can you ever get sick of this man.
its rhetorical. notice: lack of question mark.
what talent.


Wednesday, September 7, 2011