Monday, October 31, 2011

Cold Heart

Your cold heart and feet can be warmed with this warm meal adapted from Eating Bird Food's page.

Chickpea Curry Recipe

1c water

1 box mini heirloom tomatoes (half a TJ Box)

2 tsp curry powder

1 tsp cumin

1 tsp cinnamon


1 can Chickpeas

1 head Cauliflower

¼ onion diced

Butternut Squash (I used about a bag from TJ's)

Preheat your oven to 400F. Prepare a cookie sheet with seasoned butternut squash, onion and cauliflower. Stick the vegetables in the oven for 30min or until tender*.

While your vegs are cooking, bring 1cup of water to a boil with the heirloom tomatoes. Once your water and tomatoes are boiling, reduce it to a simmer(+).

Season the water and tomatoes liberally with salt and pepper. Rinse your chickpeas under water (RINSE THEM GOOD) and pat them dry. Toss them in the water (that should have been reduced) along with cinnamon, cumin and curry powder.

Are your vegs ready? Stick a fork in your butternut squash to make sure they're to your liking.

When your vegetables are ready, proceed with tossing them into your curry. And make sure they're all well incorporated (activate stirring). Toss them around nicely, then season again if needed.

Finally, you can serve now, or continue cooking together (it only gets better from here...unless your cauliflower gets mushy.) Just cook to your vegetable liking (i <3 texture)

Serve with...

  1. White/Brown Rice
  2. Ezekial Low Sodium Bread with Chutney/Jam (this is what I had)
  3. Quinoa (this is what I would've had)

*If you're like me, and you don't mind cooking everything together, I cook everything at once until the cauliflower gets tender, then I stick them in the pot together (regardless if the butternut squash is cooked). But if you'd prefer to get the roasty toasty taste, go ahead and roast the butternut squash first, for at least 20min then put the cauliflower in for another 10min then onions for another 5min, and everything should be cooked.

(+) Now would be the time for you to skin the tomatoes, they should peel nicely now.

(pictured here with tempeh, avocado and avocado smashed on an Ezekial toast)

Your meal is balanced, warm, and oozing with yums.

Saturday, October 29, 2011


Do you think that they should capitalize on this beagle's adoption for the betterment of the other animals in the facility in which is being adopted from?
I think that they should hike up a fee/ request a donation for the adoption of this beagle to benefit the shelter for future animals. Shelters of all sorts could always use money to better their facility; it's much more settling to come to an animal shelter that's kept, unlike seeing dogs shiver in their concrete stalls.
Of course this may seem horribly corrupted..
But this is why I blog, instead of actually voicing my opinion.
I don't care for your opinions, they are not to my face. If you were to say what you think of me, to my face... We can call that a tipping point.

madina lake - house of cards

Friday, October 28, 2011

I Feel My Heart Pounding....

The Airborne Toxic Event - All I've Ever Wanted

I didn't plan on posting today, but posting my recipes tomorrow. But I was so compelled to do so after listening to these lyrics - they hit home. I lie awake and pretend you can hear me... A sentence that illustrates a lonely dark scene. We could lie to each other like they do and say that we're so happy. It's easy when you're young and you want it so badly. How do you know that you're not blinded by your own wants and needs? How do you know that they don't cover up the truth that you're dying to know to live? Are you making mistakes?
Will you be here forever? Does it frighten you to know that you won't be?

The looming fear of knowing that you're constantly making mistakes, or the fortune of mistakes is all too realistic, haunts me daily. Of course I am able escape those ideas through exercising. Is that my fate?

The concept of fate and destiny do exist in my universe, however, the haunting fear that I may be ruining my fate and destiny sends me shaking.

I know that I am highly dependent on the presence of others'. I constantly seek the new to see if I'm missing out on activities; and I constantly seek out every other option, although the right one is below my nose. I am stuck on this one... The one I depend on for my life. But I'm not sure if it's the right one. How will I know? Is this a mistake? Did I already give up opportunities? I know that one, yes.

I hate the mistakes I make, they taunt me in the shadow that follows me. I can't escape the guilt that lines my mistakes.

I'll never be cured. I'll always be haunted. Chained by these shadows. When will this end?
I've learned my lesson. Stop torturing my conscience. You're killing me.
Sacrificing my sanity. Is there a limit to this? To my thoughts...

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Tonight Tonight

Time, Is never time at all
You can never ever leave
Without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change, the less you feel
Believe, Believe in me
Believe, That life can change
That you're not stuck in vain
We're not the same, we're different
Tonight, Tonight, So bright
Tonight, And you know you're never sure
But you're sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade
In your city by the lake
The place where you were born
Believe, Believe in me
Believe, In the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe there's not a chance tonight
Tonight, So bright
Tonight, We'll crucify the insincere tonight
We'll make things right
We'll feel it all tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night
Tonight, The indescribable moments of your life
Tonight, The impossible is possible
Tonight, Believe in me as I believe in you

Sunday, October 23, 2011


Today was one of those days when I just want to eat ate everything.
Consumed 600cal alone on the Lara Bars I made with Chocolate Covered Katie's recipe. Although vegan, dates are super high in calories. (its about 200cal per bar)
I know people say it's not good (esp for a recovering bulimic) to count calories, but I can't help it. It's who I am, it's what makes me, me. I'm concerned about health, yes. I'm concerned about the way I look, hell yes. I'm concerned about the way I think, oh yeah.
I lost my train of thought - per usual.

I think if you lose count of the calories you consume, you will find yourself at 300lbs and losing your mind. I don't think it's okay for someone to just stop counting their calories. I don't think it's okay if someone just loses awareness of what they eat. People need to control something. Control what you eat. Control what goes into your mouth. If you lose control, then what do you have in control? Today, I lost control. I don't know why. It was probably because I was thinking to myself 'I'll start a seven day slim down tomorrow' (re:tone it up) these health oriented sites probably hate the plugs I'm giving them. I'm not sure what's going on my head - per usual... again...

Smashing Pumpkins - Bullet with Butterfly Wings

My thoughts are so scattered.

Wanna see a binge?
Today I ate...
1 batch of pancakes (5 silver-dollar cakes)
Quarter of my Chickpea Blondie Recipe
3 Lara Bar Servings 600cal
1 bowl of Vegan Vegetable Soup
Half a bread pudding slice (shared with my mom)

all of that before dinner.

How does one go about stopping a binge?
I wish I knew.
I like to take little breaks between my day to read interesting news articles that pop up on AOL or Yahoo.

Decided against actually studying for a sociology test. A simple task I could have completed throughout the week. Way to go.

Finally, didn't go to my support group today.

Claude Monet

Claude Monet. Absolute favorite artist of all time.
Fell in love with his work when I first began painting impressionist paintings.

This past week was filled with cooking. Somber. Confusion. Inexplicable sadness. The seemingly usual now. Am I right?Control, sanity and ideas thoughts... filled my brain. Time has sped by, of course a sweet benefit.

Tried my way with relaxation yesterday. Frightening. Not quite yet to be relieved. Time will tell what else will happen. What else I can do. I will post some recipes soon.

Elton John - Candle In The Wind
Seemingly appropriate.

Thursday, October 20, 2011


I'm constantly losing my train of thought. It is as though the road I am traveling on is latent with fog. And if I attempt to turn to retrace my step, the sight is buried.

These beautiful images constantly haunt me as what I can never be. Who I can never be.

Forever I feel as though I am a shadow of what I can never come close to. The shadow you laugh at. I just want to be self-satisfied. I want to feel the confidence that carries everyone else, carefree.

Life is full of white hair. It is as though the silver strands strap me down to the burden that I wish to never be.

Constantly battling myself.

Tokyo Police Club - Juno

Why Do You Do This?

Last week, I confided to a close friend of mine. I was getting tired of the resources I had and I needed new ones. I needed a more potent help. So I confided to a close friend of mine. He asked me an interesting and direct question that no one has ever asked me before... 'Why do you do this?'

I thought to myself, and thoughts raced through my head. I didn't even know why this happened. How this happened. When this first began...

Why do I do this?

I suppose now, I will begin collecting my thoughts that can explain why I do this, why I did this, why I think like this...

I never feel like I'm good enough. I'm always comparing myself with someone else. Always trying to better myself. perfectionist?

a local band: Young the Giant - Cough Syrup

Thursday, October 13, 2011

ventilation much needed.

Yesterday I woke up, dreading the day to come.
I felt no spark, no fire burning inside of me to start my day.
I did not feel compelled to get dressed.
I did not feel compelled to get in my car.
I did not feel compelled to take notes in class.
I did not feel compelled to go to my support group.

...have I really sunk this far in life?
Is the reality of my every day being?
Is this what I have made of my life?
As much as I'd like to say that 'I love life!' and mean it...
I dread it.
I dread every part of everything.
Why do I stand here today?
Why am I typing this.. for you all to read?
Because you are the only people who won't judge me.
You are the only people who I do not fear to tell the truth..

This eating disorder is inhibiting me from achieving my full potential.
This eating disorder is preventing me from enjoying the life that I see everyone else loving.

I hate watching others in envy of their smiles and giggles.
I just hope they can't see the dark looming clouds...

my thoughts are scattered

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Never Have I Ever

I did not understand the concept of motivation until my later years in high school, and accordingly, I did not experience the sense of accomplishment until much later in my life. (far too much later) Anyways.... Have you ever felt like there's something holding you back? Do you see your potential, but it is far too distant to reach?
I see it. So many inhibitions preventing me from reaching it. I can see it, I know it is there. But I can't quite hit that final note. It hurts so much. It is so frustrating.

Sometimes I just feel hopeless, like there is nothing out there that can help me. No one out there that can understand me.
No one out there that can just listen, and make me feel important.
I feel so isolated.
I don't feel motivated to get out of bed. The only motivation I have is getting out of here. That is not quite enough.
There is no passion burning deeply in the root of my heart. There is nothing here for me. There is nothing worth being here for.
I always feel displaced, out of place. This is not my path, this is not the way of life that I want to live.

This was an ugly post.
Until next time...

Elton John - Your Song

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Me Vs. The Pavement II

6 days later, I decided to challenge the pavement again. 6.41 mi in 1hr 2min. Looking to beat my time on a weekly basis. This morning it was 6:45am run, which was really great. Afterwards, I went shopping with my sister, aka the most amazing sister in the world.
Then I went to get supplies for vegan chocolate cupcakes for the next weekend, will include pictures later.
My day today...

6:45 - wake up get out of the house by 6:52
7:54 - back home with the dog.
9:22 - left to pick up my sister (after I enjoyed a green monster w/mango and strawberries)
10:22 - went shopping with the sister
12:44 - lunch with my sister. Ahi tuna tartare and veggie burger we shared.
3:44 - home for a snack. 1 half papaya and 1 half stuffed papaya with greek yogurt and granola
4:12 - caught up with the boyfriend and friend.
6:00 - home to rest
6:22 - dinner with the parents, sushi.
8:00 - semisweet chocolate fondue with the boyfriend.
11:37 - bed time, abdominal workout and physical therapy sesh.

saturday night relaxation. can't wait for tomorrow morning - waffles.
will include pictures.
until then, I will enjoy my white mint and lime tea and oatmeal cookie candle. yay.

thinking about signing up for the turkey trot. 10k probably!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

sought help.

no one can do it alone, not even you.
plus.... every time i purge, my chest feels the repercussions.
can you?

i just have one problem... as always...
i can't stick with it.
it's hard for me to stick with anything... right?

contemplating my dedication to things makes me contemplate my thinking.
considering my sanity. is this what a crazy person is like?
is this passion?
is my heart a wild one?
am i misplaced?
do i belong here?

so many questions.
all so cliche.
all so true.

makes you understand what a cliche really is...

Green Monster

2 Handfuls of Spinach (as much as you can jam into your blender)
3 Fresh Strawberries (sliced)
3 Slices of Frozen Bananas
1 Fresh Pineapple Spear
1/4 Cup of Water and Almond Milk
1.5 tsp Chia Seeds
1/2 Scoop of Vanilla Protein Powder

1. I blended up the first 5 ingredients first. I wanted to keep some sort of substance to my chia seeds.
2. I added the chia seeds and vanilla protein powder AFTER everything was smooth.
3. I enjoyed my green monster as a lunch (or a preface to my lunch) after HIIT

Thrice - Eleanor Rigby (The Beatles Cover)

as a treat: my favorite The Beatles song.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

He Deserves This...

Steve Jobs 1955-2011

He was a legend. His impact will forever touch all of our lives, daily.

He was an innovator in all fields.

He believed in things no one else believed in.

He believed in himself.

Take a moment out and thank Steve Jobs.

Recognize his life.

Acknowledge his way of living.

Acknowledge his way of thinking.

But realize that his way is not your way.

He just found his way.

It worked.

find your way.

and challenge life.

Rest in Peace, Steve Jobs.

You deserve this break after eons of pavement, paved.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

sometimes things are good raw

and unedited.
like emotions...but not really. sometimes things need to be edited. sometimes things need to be censored. you're not going to tell a stranger that your boyfriend just dumped you. you're not going to tell the cashier at Vons that you just lost your house to the bank. you're not going to tell your mailman that your sister died in a car accident.
or maybe if we were all that open... the seeds of trust will be planted. and the world will be covered in fields of beautiful, blooming trust.

or maybe no one should put anymore faith in humanity.
my blog seems to spike and plummet in mood. scattered

Monday, October 3, 2011

Today: 15min warm up, 30min stairs, arms, abs.
chaos wreaked at the homecoming.

breakfast: toast, scramble and papaya. tea.
lunch: protein shake, banana, almonds.
dinner: sole? fish. spinach.
dessert: ice cream x2.

Breakfast: Oatmeal protein pancake (will post recipe)
-HIIT running. woo.- and TJs
Lunch: Green Monster. (will post recipe)
Snack: Would be a good idea.
Dinner: Should be early.
Dessert: Will be served after my meeting. (7-9)

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Me Vs. The Pavement

no i didn't "kiss" the pavement as I went down. quite the contrary actually. my feet were angry... and tried for about an hour to beat the pavement to death. my legs help support it. and my core helped balance myself for the beating... the pavement won.
and my body felt the consequence.
today was my first "long run" it was a consecutive hour. of myself, my chemical romance and blink 182. of course the new album, neighborhoods and danger days.

breakfast: Pumpkin Waffles.
they were slightly crispy. soft. spiced. perfect start to October.
makes 1 serving (3 little waffles)

1/4c White Whole Wheat Flour
1/4c unsweetened vanilla almond milk (TJ brand)
2tbs pumpkin puree
1 egg white
1tsp pumpkin pie spice (to taste)
1/4 tbs baking powder
1/2tsp vanilla extract
1tsp honey

mix dry. mix vanilla, milk, pumpkin puree. then mix wet and dry. beat egg white until forms stiff peaks, then fold into batter. should make 3 small waffles or 2 full size waffles.

serve with honey, maple syrup or agave nectar.

after (5mi) run smoothie.

5 frozen strawberries (unsweetened)
3 blackberries (unsweetened)
juice of 1 orange
1/4 scoop of protein powder
1/2 tsp chia seeds
stevia (to taste)

blend blend blend.
sip sip sip.
yum yum yum.

blink 182 - not now